Archives

She Blocked Me

Hello, everyone if anyone is reading this!  Today’s post will be very difficult for me to write and a bit of a bummer.  However, this has been bothering me for many days since it happened the beginning of this week and I have to let this out somehow.  In the past, before I was put on Abilify to help with my mood swings, I was unfortunately prone to going off on friends during episodes and was not myself at all.  This led to one of my closest internet and in real life friends to blocking me and unfriending me on Facebook.  Luckily, after about a year she accepted me back into her life and we have been running smoothly ever since.  I REALLY hope that this does not happen to my friend that I may have lost and it takes her a couple of weeks to forgive me.

Including my friend, I only had two friends my age and one more older and wiser than me, so this loss broke my heart into a million pieces to be bluntly honest.  We talked on Facebook messenger everyday and she would always go on about how much she loved me and that I changed her life for the better.  Sure, all of this doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it’s why I am shattered to pieces currently.

Okay, let’s get to what happened that awful day.  It all started the night before when I was suffering with a severe depression episode and was in a ball crying and feeling like someone had stabbed me in the gut with a sword.  Things have been a rather stressful inside my house and I suppose I had reached my breaking point that night.  I had no one to turn to and my friend that I speak to almost everyday could not speak that night.  In a desperate effort, knowing that she never picks up her cellphone, I called my friend with tears still fresh in my eyes.  I heard her voice in the voice recording that I had always heard.  In my frustration, I messaged her, “WHY DO YOU NEVER PICK UP”, and somehow found a way to fall asleep without doing anything stupid that night.

I woke up the next day to her telling me that she had to go to bed early and that she had a long yesterday and a long week ahead.  Still numb from the night before, I did the unthinkable, and acted like a bitch and replied with, “whatever have a good week”.  After a nap and feeling back to normal I immediately regretted what had happened and before I could apologize I noticed that we had a power surge and our internet was down.  Once the internet was up and working again I saw that she had blocked me on messenger.  Since that day my whole world has been spiraling out of control and I know longer have my “sister” to talk to daily.  My first instinct was to punish myself beyond belief, luckily I stayed strong.  After leaving many text messages and voice mails I managed to go all of yesterday without contacting her.  I’m usually a person that tries to always be there for someone even if they are burning me out so perhaps this is why I can’t take what I did.

Word of the wise to anyone who may be reading this, if you find yourself in the same situation please reply when you are in your rational mind again.  But they also say, if you can’t take me at my worse you don’t deserve me at my best.

Goodbye for now and peace and unicorn kisses,

Advertisements

Bummer Summer

Image result for Hey arnold beach sunburn

So, I’m not having a good summer at all.  Since I’ve left a certain religious organization I will keep anonymous I haven’t been leaving the house at ALL.  I’ve just been stuck in the house with my triggering parents.  Don’t get me wrong, I love them and they are great parents to me, but they do not understand my mental illnesses and driving phobia and tend to make things worse than better.  I’ve actually LOST weight from staying in my room trying to avoid any confrontations that may make me do something stupid.  Things were starting to look up but I’m not even sure if I can say that anymore.  Thank goodness I have a non millennial friend to talk to on the phone to keep me a little bit sane since my friends my age don’t speak on phones somehow…  I love you guys if you’re reading this though!

Well, there are a few positives that are happening to me currently, or one, but take what you can get right?  I’ve finally started the therapy that vocational rehab has sent me to!  So far it’s going a bit too slow for my taste considering I need to be deemed mentally ready to start the job search process with vocational rehab.  Let’s face it, that’ll take years! I’m currently working on my driving phobia…which will take a year in itself.  I’m trying to be positive about this though since I have to drive to get by in this state.  My therapist is a bit low energy but like I said, I’m working with what I can get.  We worked on coping skills and breathing exercises last time that are almost helping me cope with being in a house surrounded by triggers left and right.  Hopefully, this week will be more of a breakthrough for us.

Onto the topic of summertime!  Yay! Vacations and freedom and rainbows and singing whenever I want to right?! WRONG! I’ve been having such a strong wanderlust lately and a deep longing for travel and to get out of this little southern state!  Before summer break my dad said that he’d possibly take us to New York state to see his family there but now he has amnesia and he’s going somewhere (my only vacation I guess) whilst I’m stuck in the prison that is my room.  I REALLY want to go to New York because of Broadway and it has such a different feel to it than the south.  I’m even considering moving there somehow.  I just can’t take it here anymore to be honest and I wouldn’t have to worry about driving anymore.  I’m also missing Europe because everyone and their mama is suddenly going there and posting their lovely pictures on Facebook.  I will go more into this in another post because I have so many feelings about this.

Well that is it for now, if anyone is even reading this thing, I hope you enjoyed this painfully depressing rant.

Unicorn hugs (can they hug?) and kisses xoxo,

Theatre Talk part 2

Hello my loves!

I’m going to continue my post on theatre and my passable tries of acting whilst auditioning for my first part in a show.  First I’m going to list all of the shows that I auditioned for this current season, all of them at the not so local professional theatre and one at a pretty great community theatre.  If I haven’t mentioned it before, I have a fear of driving that is pretty severe and no, I have not been in an accident yet *knocks on wood 3 times*, and all of these theatres are located downtown!  How did I get to these auditions you ask? That is the question of the century! I relied on my friend and audition buddy taking me to some auditions and my uncle for the rest…which ended terribly.

Okay, here are the list of shows that I auditioned for at the professional theatre:

Barbecue– a play by Robert O’Hara 

A Christmas Miracle At The Richland Fashion Mall – an original locally made Christmas play

A Bright Room Called Day – a play by Tony Kushner

Sunset Baby -a play by Dominique Morrisseau (directed by my incredibly talented cousin)

Fun Home – a musical: book and lyrics by Lisa Kron, music by Jeanine Tesori, based on a graphic novel by Alison Bechdel

Memphis – a musical: book and lyrics by Joe Dipietro and music and lyrics by David Bryan

Community Theatre:

A Raisin in the Sun – a play…obviously, by Lorraine Hansberry

How shall I do this? Maybe I will go down the list and describe my experiences with each musical very briefly.  I actually had the honor to be the stage manager for Sunset Baby for the large amount of…three days!  Obviously I encountered some trouble with my ride by the end of it and decided to relieve myself of the role.  I suffered pretty great depression after this episode and missed working with my cousin and the very lovely lot of actors.  I’ve never been that close to my cousin due to selective mutism and severe social phobia and it was nice helping him out with a show that he was directing.  Oh well, it was a lesson learned…and I now have one less person that is willing to take me to auditions…more depression and self hate ensued!  I will save this for a future blog post possibly if it won’t be too painful for me to relive.  Anyway, onward to my audition experience!

The first show of the season I auditioned for was, Barbecue, this was actually a good experience.  I acted with some company members I did auditions with before and actually got decent laughs out of the director.  It was a pretty exhilarating experience to say the least.  Unfortunately, I was a bit too shy and did not speak up to go on for other roles and therefor was not viewed by the director as much.  Another great audition experience I had was auditioning for A Raisin in the Sun.  This was at the community theatre and I auditioned for the role of Beneatha and also went on as Ruth.  Again, another exhilarating experience and I thought I did a great job since the director wanted to see me the second audition day in hopes of more people for me to act with.  However, I didn’t receive a callback…AGAIN…but did not let it get to me and I enjoyed my experience.

SO…with the other play auditions that I went on and didn’t get a callback for I noticed a clear theme with my struggles.  The theme you ask? I CAN’T BLOCK FOR CRAP.  Blocking is basically the movement in a show and creating a sense of atmosphere (correct me if I’m wrong I’m still a bit new to this theatre stuff).  I don’t know if it’s because I grew up without a social life and might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum but whenever I act for plays I act as though I do not know how to human.  I will probably have to take acting lessons eventually if I ever want to be cast in a play, although I rather be cast in a musical!  There are also themes around why I don’t get cast in musicals…despite needing voice lessons.  I CAN’T DANCE.  Why?!  I took dance in high school for two semesters and memorized the choreography then but now it’s hard for me to memorize the most simple choreography.  Do I need dance lessons?

I need to stop falling in love with musicals during my audition process!  Much less painful that way…and I don’t end up wasting money on so many shows.  Well, that’s it for now.

Unicorn hugs and kisses,

Thoughts On Tony Awards and More Theatre Talk part 1

Hello everyone! I’ve been wanting to write a post about theatre and my hard time still auditioning for my first role in an actual show (yikes).  Let us start with the Tony Awards since they were last night! For those of you who don’t (why?!) know, the Tony Awards are basically like the Oscars for Broadway shows.  Yes, plays are JUST as important as musicals!

My Thoughts On the Tony Awards:

I personally thought they were a little bland and I spent most of the time on my bed with my dog trying not to fall asleep and switching between 90 Day Fiance.  This year’s hosts were Josh Groban (I’m a Grobanite) and Sara Bareilles (I love Waitress the musical and pie).  I thought that they were pretty adorable and loved the opening and closing songs that they sang! There is always this one musical (and play) that literally sweeps the entire awards show, and this year’s show was The Band’s Visit for musical and Harry Potter and the Cursed Child for play.  For some reason people are extremely upset about The Band’s Visit winning and apparently people really wanted Mean Girls the musical and SpongeBob the musical to win many awards and are upset now.  I was rooting for both musicals but I wanted something less commercial and obvious to win and was beyond impressed with the show’s performance.  So impressed that I almost spent the little of my money on buying the cast recording of The Band’s Visit, but as a substitute teacher (summertime) I shall not be making anymore money unless I get my second job ever.  I also thought that Once on this Island was the best performance of the night and woke me up immediately from the sedated paralysis that I was in.  If any of you are lucky enough to live near New York City please check out any show that you please or the shows that I mentioned if anything I said previously peeked your interest!  I’d give so much to see another Broadway show! The last and only show on Broadway I saw (not including tours) was Rent in 2007 with my late and legendary grandpa and mother.

Okay, onto other topics!  If you skipped that part and are not a fan of theatre or the arts that is perfectly fine, in fact, you might want to skip this entire post if need be. Do it! I wont be mad at you at all! *hugs*

I’m going to continue this in another post!

Bye guys and unicorn kisses,

I’m Back?

Hello, everyone!  I know it’s been like a year since I’ve written anything and there are a few reasons for that:

Depression

Anxiety

Laziness

Writer’s Block/Depression

Laziness

In an effort to heal and help my writer’s block I have decided to return to writing on this blog and connecting with you amazing people! Please bare with me if my writing seems like it was written by a kindergartner…I’m trying!  So, I suppose I should play catch-up with what’s been happening with me for the past year or so.  I want to be more honest and open if I haven’t been before?  Anyway, here are some updates…

Mental Health:

I’m still having trouble with my driving anxiety (I’ve mentioned that before right?) and my room is still a pig’s den.  There’s also hygiene issues as well but I am not ready to go into detail on that subject.  I am working with vocational rehab and one of these days the therapy they had me go to one day will approve me to do more sessions.  I will write more entries about how I have been doing in the near future hopefully!

Theatre:

To summarize this in one word, “bleh”.  I’ve been on about 15 auditions by now, mostly musicals, and still have only gotten one callback if that one even counted.  It’s starting to dawn on me that I should probably start taking voice lessons (but you need a job!).  I’m tired of feeling defeated and embarrassed every time I finish an audition. I’m also thinking about moving to New York, I will write a blog update on all theatre related shenanigans I have been involved with in the past year!

The Boyfriend Search:

I got nothing!

I will stop now until this turns into a badly written Harry Potter novel.

Unicorn out!

“No Judgement Hang Out”

Hello everyone, I know it’s been a century since I have posted anything and I thought I’d discuss my very recent “date”, or “hang out” as he referred to it.  It’s almost 1 am in the morning and I am crying so deeply and feel as if someone threw daggers in my heart and soul for fun; so why not write again, right?  I’m going to be a bit lazy at the moment and not discuss my long online but not so much in real life relationship with this guy that auditions at the theatre I’m so desperately trying to get some sort of foot in the door.  Long story short we recently saw Rock of Ages at said theatre during his busy acting schedule and I have been freaking out over this friend date for about a month or more.  Onto the date itself!

Well it was a Saturday afternoon and I spent the whole day like a maniac talking to my friend on the phone hyperventilating and shivering as she took in all of my crazy.  Once the doorbell rang I hung up on her and nearly jumped out of my skin like a shedding snake.  I grabbed all of my things and hesitantly opened the door to see him in front of my door looking like a different but equally sexy person.  There was something else but as his friend I will keep that confidential although he certainly did not outside of my house.  So when I saw his truck (someone pay me for predicting this) it was very fragile looking and looked like it just rolled out of a tornado.  I’m not much for judgement and am a fan of things that have character, he even named it Harley Quinn so how could I hate it at all.  The drive to the theatre was very long and I was pretty certain I was barely touching my bum to the seat out of nervousness.  He kept saying it was a “no judgement hangout” (well that murdered any chances of it being a date) and spent the whole drive making funny noises and entertaining me.  This was certainly a side to him I actually never saw and I realized he’s more of a playful person than I gave him credit for.  But practically being in love with him already did not make it easy for me to enjoy the night to it’s fullest.  I almost took some Xanax before the date, but, NEVER DRUG YOURSELF BEFORE HANGING OUT WITH SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW.

Now, the destination, to the theatre to see Rock of Ages.  As we approached the theatre he continued to crack jokes about not recognizing the theatre (he’s been in so many shows he should be a member by now) and when we entered the building it was like it he was skipping his way into his home with everyone he knew.  That part also made me uncomfortable, and did I mention he saw the show already?!  Apparently he saw it in previews and gave me a, “what had happened was”, story about why he didn’t pay me back.  Basically, I could have seen the show with a friend and we could have done a movie and he just said yes to be nice.  Okay, bitch fit over!  During the show he continued to keep me entertained and sang to me and when the show wasn’t playing kept asking me what was on my mind but that damn anxiety kept blocking all thoughts from my mind.  At the end of the show he said hi to the entire company of the building while I was left to only say hi to my cousin and friend I auditioned with in the past.  Okay, let’s do a pros and cons list.

PROS:

He never stopped being a gentleman to me and met me at the door and kept opening the doors for me.

He has A LOT of energy and I judged him more than I should have in the past and he spent every moment asking me if I was okay.

He definitely made sure I enjoyed the musical and kept singing that beautiful voice at me during fleeting moments of the show.

He’s overall so different than I thought he was and hopefully he wasn’t acting the whole time (ha…..ha)

CONS:

He kept walking past me and not with me and a stranger would think we were completely total strangers.

He didn’t pay me back yet nor did he tell me he saw the show already when I asked if he wanted to see it with me.  Movies are cheaper!

He didn’t introduce me to any of his friends although some introduced themselves to me.

He said he was going to text me when he got home but never did.  I’ve been advised to never text him again until he messages me back because I never know if I’m someone else’s problem.  This has been so difficult for me personally, I miss talking to him.

 

Whether he messages me back or not I will be seeing his next play soon and hopefully will be getting my money back.  Despite having some feelings of him flashing back and forth I no longer have a crush on him and now see him as a friend.  I’m pretty tired currently so I have nothing witty to end on as usual.  I will be doing a rage filled entry soon about the actual show and white-washing in the (Southern) theatre community.

Hope this post helped you in some shape or form and that you or whoever is reading this is glad I am back and alive.

Your unicorn signing off and trotting in the distance xoxo,

A Pathetic Rant On My Lack of Love Life?

Hello everyone, again, sorry about my lack of writing and consistency!  I mean I DO suffer from depression and constant anxiety and attacks that weigh down on me like a ton of bricks.  However, I want this blog to be therapeutic for anyone viewing with similar issues and for myself as well.  So I do apologize for being absent for a while and, like a broken record, I do intend on updating this thing I created more often.  Okay, enough with the rambling of words that is this introduction and onto the depressing rambling of words that is the topic of this blog!

Before today I had planned on writing about something else that I very well may still cover but talking to my friends who were out together without me on the phone gave my brain something new to torture me about.  They actually might read this one day since they both know the address to this blog; no hard feelings girls, I still love you both!  So a little bit more information about myself, I am an SGI Buddhist (google it until I decide to write a post about it) and go to many meetings to chant with my Buddhist family and hear encouraging words and personal “success stories” if you will.  Today I decided not to go to a meeting this morning because I am currently in the process of re-tuning my inner clock and correcting my bad sleep habits so I can go to bed early and wake up early again.  It may sound like a weak excuse but I have a mess of sleep problems that kind of scare me sometimes and are along the lines of the film, Inception, bizarre.  Am I getting off topic? Yes!  Alright, let’s continue the Buddhist meeting setup, I promise this all has a point and is leading to something.

Continuing with our unpleasant story, when I woke up from my baby nap I took after my dog ate breakfast my friend began texting me and asking if her and my other friend could come over, and standing in my unicorn onesie  while helping my parents put away the groceries I told her,”no”, and asked one of them to call me so I could better communicate with them.  I’m about to make this an extremely long entry aren’t I?  Okay, I’ll just get right to the point!  Last week during a birthday dinner I found out that one of my friends has a new boyfriend and I met him that day and now my other friend has a boyfriend.  It’s even more random that my other friend has a boyfriend but out of respect for her I will say no more.  Also, on top of that they were having lunch together after the Buddhist meeting and I was suddenly filled with guilt for not going to the meeting and mad at myself for missing a chance to hang out with friends like a regular person again, and also felt like nothing that despite actually trying,again, I was still this single this 25 year old that never had a boyfriend or even a guy as a friend (technically the last part is now an over-exaggeration).  Basically, I was letting my anxiety beat the shit out of me without even trying to fight back.

In all my 25 years of life I’ve only attempted to befriend a guy I liked twice, once when I studied abroad in Germany in 2014 and very recently this year, and both were failures that initially drained me of my confidence in my personality and looks almost completely.  While in high school and my first two years of University I was constantly hit on by guys left and right but I was too naive and had a touch of selective-mutism to understand how to react or what was actually going on (not to mention the race I was most attracted to at the time would look right through me).  Of course the fact I stopped chemically straightening my hair in my 3rd year of college and am now growing dreadlocks, Bob Marley-style, probably has something to do with the change in my suitors or lack there of.

I’ve completely gotten turned around while writing this entry and am now confused as to the point I was getting to in the first place.  Ooh, I remember, FRUSTRATION!  I suppose I’m what you would call a hopeless romantic and am always writing these whimsically romantic/erotic tragic (yes, I love Shakespeare) stories unaware that it’s not actually how the real world works.  I learned this the painful way when I spent my last college semester in Germany and gained a social life and friends for the first time in my life.  Perhaps this is why I can never stomach shows like, GIRLS, and others like it that are too life like with way too many sex scenes for something that is not a pornography.  If you are a fan of such shows, no offense, they can just be too much for me.  Aside from it being hard for me to talk to any kind of male I also consider myself an asexual to demisexual panromantic.  Confusing, isn’t it? My mom and many people I open up to about this also find this confusing and swear I’m making up words or that I created some of these categories, but I can confidently say they are apart of the LGBTQA+ community.  Basically, I’m only romantically attracted to people but once I get to know them I am very capable of developing sexual attraction to them.  However, as far as I’m concerned, sex for me personally is just for procreation and I rather go see a musical if I want to “feel something”.

If you are somehow still with me and reading this, congratulations, you are stronger than I am!  I don’t blame you if you skimmed through most of this because if I saw all of this writing I would too.  So let’s get back to the word, frustration.  The older I get and the more high school “friends” I see give birth to children the more upset and afraid I get that I may never find my “soulmate” and have a child if I even can have one.  I have names picked out and everything, the only problem is who the father of the child will be.  Very recently, I came the closest I ever had to just getting my first kiss and maybe some other firsts as well.  I picked out a guy I did a musical audition with once and personally challenged myself to ask him if I could add him on Facebook and I turned into a really good flirt whenever I messaged him.  Sure, it all sounds like I was close to getting somewhere, but after I saw him in the musical I didn’t get I suddenly had resting bitch face and could only repeat the mantra of, “hi, you were great”, whilst he kept hugging me and asking if I looked pissed off.  Ooh, how romantic!

I didn’t give up though, even if I desperately needed to.  Again, I met him after seeing him in, Rocky Horror Show (another show I didn’t get) on Halloween, dressed sexy with a Purple wig on and my entire leg showing.  We hugged like before, using it as a secret joke between the two of us, and he kept looking at me and calling me beautiful and while holding in my excitement puke I complemented him on his work as Rocky and told him we should hang out sometime; he agreed!  Everything looked like I was about to go on my first date and he even agreed on going to have coffee with but it was too perfect.  To my luck, I met someone who knows him and his ex girlfriend at a Buddhist meeting and found out what I wanted to, the plain not skipping around it truth.  Once I left and was no longer around people she messaged me she asked his ex girlfriend’s mom if he was single and she said her mom told her he was seeing someone and messaged me, “abort mission, ABORT.”  My first reaction was that I wasted almost an entire year on one person and how the hell was I going to stop being sexually attracted to him?  After some thought I became relieved that I no longer had to try to flirt with him and although I still have a crush on him it’s much more fun talking to him as a friend and he’s good to talk to about theatre/audition advice.  After all of this at least I can say I was able to get a hot guy to hug me without trying and to check me out with a lot of trying.

I’m still not sure what the purpose of this post was but I feel really great after typing out all of my feelings and seeing a year’s worth of stress and worry fly completely out of me and onto my monitor.  I guess if I had to say what I wanted in a guy in three words I would say, “Prince Rogers Nelson”, and this guy sure as hell was NO Prince.  I suppose for now I will keep chanting on finding my Prince (see what I did there?) and just focus on my life and being happy when my brain allows me to.  If you somehow read all of this then a massive HIGH-FIVE for you!  Sorry I couldn’t give you a prize of something more useful.  Well, that’s enough typing for today I believe!

Sincerely your Unicorn Amber,