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“No Judgement Hang Out”

Hello everyone, I know it’s been a century since I have posted anything and I thought I’d discuss my very recent “date”, or “hang out” as he referred to it.  It’s almost 1 am in the morning and I am crying so deeply and feel as if someone threw daggers in my heart and soul for fun; so why not write again, right?  I’m going to be a bit lazy at the moment and not discuss my long online but not so much in real life relationship with this guy that auditions at the theatre I’m so desperately trying to get some sort of foot in the door.  Long story short we recently saw Rock of Ages at said theatre during his busy acting schedule and I have been freaking out over this friend date for about a month or more.  Onto the date itself!

Well it was a Saturday afternoon and I spent the whole day like a maniac talking to my friend on the phone hyperventilating and shivering as she took in all of my crazy.  Once the doorbell rang I hung up on her and nearly jumped out of my skin like a shedding snake.  I grabbed all of my things and hesitantly opened the door to see him in front of my door looking like a different but equally sexy person.  There was something else but as his friend I will keep that confidential although he certainly did not outside of my house.  So when I saw his truck (someone pay me for predicting this) it was very fragile looking and looked like it just rolled out of a tornado.  I’m not much for judgement and am a fan of things that have character, he even named it Harley Quinn so how could I hate it at all.  The drive to the theatre was very long and I was pretty certain I was barely touching my bum to the seat out of nervousness.  He kept saying it was a “no judgement hangout” (well that murdered any chances of it being a date) and spent the whole drive making funny noises and entertaining me.  This was certainly a side to him I actually never saw and I realized he’s more of a playful person than I gave him credit for.  But practically being in love with him already did not make it easy for me to enjoy the night to it’s fullest.  I almost took some Xanax before the date, but, NEVER DRUG YOURSELF BEFORE HANGING OUT WITH SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW.

Now, the destination, to the theatre to see Rock of Ages.  As we approached the theatre he continued to crack jokes about not recognizing the theatre (he’s been in so many shows he should be a member by now) and when we entered the building it was like it he was skipping his way into his home with everyone he knew.  That part also made me uncomfortable, and did I mention he saw the show already?!  Apparently he saw it in previews and gave me a, “what had happened was”, story about why he didn’t pay me back.  Basically, I could have seen the show with a friend and we could have done a movie and he just said yes to be nice.  Okay, bitch fit over!  During the show he continued to keep me entertained and sang to me and when the show wasn’t playing kept asking me what was on my mind but that damn anxiety kept blocking all thoughts from my mind.  At the end of the show he said hi to the entire company of the building while I was left to only say hi to my cousin and friend I auditioned with in the past.  Okay, let’s do a pros and cons list.

PROS:

He never stopped being a gentleman to me and met me at the door and kept opening the doors for me.

He has A LOT of energy and I judged him more than I should have in the past and he spent every moment asking me if I was okay.

He definitely made sure I enjoyed the musical and kept singing that beautiful voice at me during fleeting moments of the show.

He’s overall so different than I thought he was and hopefully he wasn’t acting the whole time (ha…..ha)

CONS:

He kept walking past me and not with me and a stranger would think we were completely total strangers.

He didn’t pay me back yet nor did he tell me he saw the show already when I asked if he wanted to see it with me.  Movies are cheaper!

He didn’t introduce me to any of his friends although some introduced themselves to me.

He said he was going to text me when he got home but never did.  I’ve been advised to never text him again until he messages me back because I never know if I’m someone else’s problem.  This has been so difficult for me personally, I miss talking to him.

 

Whether he messages me back or not I will be seeing his next play soon and hopefully will be getting my money back.  Despite having some feelings of him flashing back and forth I no longer have a crush on him and now see him as a friend.  I’m pretty tired currently so I have nothing witty to end on as usual.  I will be doing a rage filled entry soon about the actual show and white-washing in the (Southern) theatre community.

Hope this post helped you in some shape or form and that you or whoever is reading this is glad I am back and alive.

Your unicorn signing off and trotting in the distance xoxo,

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A Pathetic Rant On My Lack of Love Life?

Hello everyone, again, sorry about my lack of writing and consistency!  I mean I DO suffer from depression and constant anxiety and attacks that weigh down on me like a ton of bricks.  However, I want this blog to be therapeutic for anyone viewing with similar issues and for myself as well.  So I do apologize for being absent for a while and, like a broken record, I do intend on updating this thing I created more often.  Okay, enough with the rambling of words that is this introduction and onto the depressing rambling of words that is the topic of this blog!

Before today I had planned on writing about something else that I very well may still cover but talking to my friends who were out together without me on the phone gave my brain something new to torture me about.  They actually might read this one day since they both know the address to this blog; no hard feelings girls, I still love you both!  So a little bit more information about myself, I am an SGI Buddhist (google it until I decide to write a post about it) and go to many meetings to chant with my Buddhist family and hear encouraging words and personal “success stories” if you will.  Today I decided not to go to a meeting this morning because I am currently in the process of re-tuning my inner clock and correcting my bad sleep habits so I can go to bed early and wake up early again.  It may sound like a weak excuse but I have a mess of sleep problems that kind of scare me sometimes and are along the lines of the film, Inception, bizarre.  Am I getting off topic? Yes!  Alright, let’s continue the Buddhist meeting setup, I promise this all has a point and is leading to something.

Continuing with our unpleasant story, when I woke up from my baby nap I took after my dog ate breakfast my friend began texting me and asking if her and my other friend could come over, and standing in my unicorn onesie  while helping my parents put away the groceries I told her,”no”, and asked one of them to call me so I could better communicate with them.  I’m about to make this an extremely long entry aren’t I?  Okay, I’ll just get right to the point!  Last week during a birthday dinner I found out that one of my friends has a new boyfriend and I met him that day and now my other friend has a boyfriend.  It’s even more random that my other friend has a boyfriend but out of respect for her I will say no more.  Also, on top of that they were having lunch together after the Buddhist meeting and I was suddenly filled with guilt for not going to the meeting and mad at myself for missing a chance to hang out with friends like a regular person again, and also felt like nothing that despite actually trying,again, I was still this single this 25 year old that never had a boyfriend or even a guy as a friend (technically the last part is now an over-exaggeration).  Basically, I was letting my anxiety beat the shit out of me without even trying to fight back.

In all my 25 years of life I’ve only attempted to befriend a guy I liked twice, once when I studied abroad in Germany in 2014 and very recently this year, and both were failures that initially drained me of my confidence in my personality and looks almost completely.  While in high school and my first two years of University I was constantly hit on by guys left and right but I was too naive and had a touch of selective-mutism to understand how to react or what was actually going on (not to mention the race I was most attracted to at the time would look right through me).  Of course the fact I stopped chemically straightening my hair in my 3rd year of college and am now growing dreadlocks, Bob Marley-style, probably has something to do with the change in my suitors or lack there of.

I’ve completely gotten turned around while writing this entry and am now confused as to the point I was getting to in the first place.  Ooh, I remember, FRUSTRATION!  I suppose I’m what you would call a hopeless romantic and am always writing these whimsically romantic/erotic tragic (yes, I love Shakespeare) stories unaware that it’s not actually how the real world works.  I learned this the painful way when I spent my last college semester in Germany and gained a social life and friends for the first time in my life.  Perhaps this is why I can never stomach shows like, GIRLS, and others like it that are too life like with way too many sex scenes for something that is not a pornography.  If you are a fan of such shows, no offense, they can just be too much for me.  Aside from it being hard for me to talk to any kind of male I also consider myself an asexual to demisexual panromantic.  Confusing, isn’t it? My mom and many people I open up to about this also find this confusing and swear I’m making up words or that I created some of these categories, but I can confidently say they are apart of the LGBTQA+ community.  Basically, I’m only romantically attracted to people but once I get to know them I am very capable of developing sexual attraction to them.  However, as far as I’m concerned, sex for me personally is just for procreation and I rather go see a musical if I want to “feel something”.

If you are somehow still with me and reading this, congratulations, you are stronger than I am!  I don’t blame you if you skimmed through most of this because if I saw all of this writing I would too.  So let’s get back to the word, frustration.  The older I get and the more high school “friends” I see give birth to children the more upset and afraid I get that I may never find my “soulmate” and have a child if I even can have one.  I have names picked out and everything, the only problem is who the father of the child will be.  Very recently, I came the closest I ever had to just getting my first kiss and maybe some other firsts as well.  I picked out a guy I did a musical audition with once and personally challenged myself to ask him if I could add him on Facebook and I turned into a really good flirt whenever I messaged him.  Sure, it all sounds like I was close to getting somewhere, but after I saw him in the musical I didn’t get I suddenly had resting bitch face and could only repeat the mantra of, “hi, you were great”, whilst he kept hugging me and asking if I looked pissed off.  Ooh, how romantic!

I didn’t give up though, even if I desperately needed to.  Again, I met him after seeing him in, Rocky Horror Show (another show I didn’t get) on Halloween, dressed sexy with a Purple wig on and my entire leg showing.  We hugged like before, using it as a secret joke between the two of us, and he kept looking at me and calling me beautiful and while holding in my excitement puke I complemented him on his work as Rocky and told him we should hang out sometime; he agreed!  Everything looked like I was about to go on my first date and he even agreed on going to have coffee with but it was too perfect.  To my luck, I met someone who knows him and his ex girlfriend at a Buddhist meeting and found out what I wanted to, the plain not skipping around it truth.  Once I left and was no longer around people she messaged me she asked his ex girlfriend’s mom if he was single and she said her mom told her he was seeing someone and messaged me, “abort mission, ABORT.”  My first reaction was that I wasted almost an entire year on one person and how the hell was I going to stop being sexually attracted to him?  After some thought I became relieved that I no longer had to try to flirt with him and although I still have a crush on him it’s much more fun talking to him as a friend and he’s good to talk to about theatre/audition advice.  After all of this at least I can say I was able to get a hot guy to hug me without trying and to check me out with a lot of trying.

I’m still not sure what the purpose of this post was but I feel really great after typing out all of my feelings and seeing a year’s worth of stress and worry fly completely out of me and onto my monitor.  I guess if I had to say what I wanted in a guy in three words I would say, “Prince Rogers Nelson”, and this guy sure as hell was NO Prince.  I suppose for now I will keep chanting on finding my Prince (see what I did there?) and just focus on my life and being happy when my brain allows me to.  If you somehow read all of this then a massive HIGH-FIVE for you!  Sorry I couldn’t give you a prize of something more useful.  Well, that’s enough typing for today I believe!

Sincerely your Unicorn Amber,

Addressing the Elephant in the Room

Whether you’re from the United States of America, or any other country in this world, it’s no secret why many of my friends and acquaintances who live in this country or any others flooded the social media websites with nothing but disgust, fear, anxiety, and sorrow.  I am not going to discuss politics or my opinion on the newly elected President of the United States, I am here to be there for anyone that is having great anxiety and depression due to this latest update in U.S. history.  The first thing I noticed when I logged onto all of my social media accounts was; hate, hate, hate, hate, and nothing but hate and anger.  I understand that can be one’s first reaction when it’s not the outcome you want and no longer feel safe.  However, as a country, we must stay strong and be there for each other and keep up the support.  So, to anyone is feeling very down today, please try to stay calm and have faith in whichever deity you believe in and the universe itself and the natural karma that comes from it.  I love you all and stay strong!

http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Love and unicorn kisses, Amber,

Not My Name, A Poem

Hello, everyone, or just one, or my imaginary friend, Amethyst!  So blogging is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  A lot of this has to do with my lack of energy and estranged relationship with electronics.  I’ve had so many thoughts swarming in my head lately so I thought I would give this mental illness blog thing another chance!  I thought I would start off with sharing a poem I wrote recently during times of deep sorrow.  I hope some of you beautiful people can find some connection with this piece…so here goes!

Not My Name

by: Amber V.

I am not quiet

I am not white

Don’t believe what you see with your sight

The clouds are not pillows and the sky is not an ocean

So why judge me on such a weak notion?

Do you believe in rudeness?

Do you believe in crudeness?

You must believe from the way you perceive

From where I’m standing I see someone weak with scare

So how could you know me?

How could you even dare?

Hope you felt something from it, whatever that something may be.

Amber xoxo,

Dedication To My Grandpa

Hello everyone!  Sorry I’ve been M.I.A., I sort of forgot that in order to have a blog you need to keep writing entries.  As I will write about soon in my next post, I’ve been dealing with the unexpected death of my beloved grandfather since he moved on from the physical world last Saturday.  Before I write my next updates about my trip to New York, meeting family for the first time, and the bittersweet day of the funeral, I wanted to write a post about my grandpa and how much he meant to me.  He was the best grandpa a girl could ever have asked for and it is important to me that I let many people know about him as possible!

Aside from Borderline Personality Disorder, I also suffer from severe Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety Disorder.  These other two disorders have seemed to always haunt me ever since I was born.  S.A.D. was a major problem for me in particular as I’ve went most of my life being  called “quiet” and “shy”.  The parts that I hate the most about my anxiety is that I tend to suffer from selective mutism at moments and especially when I’m around men or anyone of the opposite sex.  This is so severe that I worry if I ever have a son I will not be able to talk to him and thanks to medication and perseverance was only able to tell my grandpa, sincerely, that I love him in April when I last saw him.  This is probably why I took his death so hard and didn’t want to say goodbye to him when I finally saw his body.  I am just so grateful for my sister who allowed me to see my grandpa one last time and that my last words to him were, “I love you grandpa”, in which he replied, “I love you too Amber! I wish I could take you to New York with me!”.  These were great last words but I wish I could have been more of myself around my grandpa throughout his life like my brother and sister were able to.  Everyone keeps telling me to remember the good times but all of my memories of him I couldn’t be myself and talk to him while he was trying so hard to bond with his granddaughter.  Are those good times?  Anyways, onto my grandfather and how amazing he was and how much he meant to me!

Although this is a personal blog that I allow to be available to the public I will keep my grandfather’s name private.  Okay, now about the incredible person that my grandpa was!  My grandpa was the kind of person that you would think popped out of this incredible book,he was a mythic legend when it came to our family.  There was something about my grandfather that always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside and I would always stare at him with intrigue and fascination.  Despite being born in New York and spending most of his life there he grew up in the West Indies in South America.  He was always filled with these out of this world stories about the places he visited as a child and as an adult with his soulmate, my dear beloved grandmother.  My grandpa was so passionate and kind to everyone and there was just something about his voice and the way that he spoke that filled me with joy every single time I was around him.  One of the things I loved most about my grandpa was his great love for film (old Hollywood and new), coin collection, traveling, jazz, and this beautiful world in general.  As a child I always admired the way he would listen to music and drum his fingers along to the beat as if music was taking him to another world entirely.

I think I’ve spent enough time on this post and if I keep going on I might start to become emotional again.  Sorry it took me forever to get this new post updated, there have been many distractions lately since I started this.  Well, the words didn’t come out the way I wanted them to but I guess they never do.  Goodbye Grandpa, I love you so very very much and hope to see you again in another form.

Love Amber,

 

A Note On Borderline Personality

Greetings and salutations everyone!  I thought I would finally write something before my blog shrivels up and dies.  I suppose this post will be a cocktail of a rant and informative information on Borderline Personality and perhaps a few other things as well.  If anyone who is reading this at this very moment has BPD I want you to know that you are not alone, you are not crazy, being very sensitive is not a weakness it is actually a strength at times, and you are a good human being despite what the irrationality of your brain is telling you!

One of many things I hate about this society is the perception people have on mental illness and other “invisible” disorders that are out there.  I have to confess, before I became interested in psychology and received my B.A. in it, I too had my own biases on BPD and Bipolar Disorder.  Whenever I thought of the two conditions my mind would flashback to those crazy Lifetime movies or television episodes that has a “crazy” character that is the bad guy (usually woman) and ends up having  Borderline or is Bipolar.

Okay guys, I’ve suddenly ran out of steam and am paranoid about my parents talking about be, I will try to write a squeal to this next time.  Goodbye unicorns and stay strong and know that there IS someone out there who cares about you!

Amber xoxo,