Hello, everyone if anyone is reading this! Today’s post will be very difficult for me to write and a bit of a bummer. However, this has been bothering me for many days since it happened the beginning of this week and I have to let this out somehow. In the past, before I was put on Abilify to help with my mood swings, I was unfortunately prone to going off on friends during episodes and was not myself at all. This led to one of my closest internet and in real life friends to blocking me and unfriending me on Facebook. Luckily, after about a year she accepted me back into her life and we have been running smoothly ever since. I REALLY hope that this does not happen to my friend that I may have lost and it takes her a couple of weeks to forgive me.
Including my friend, I only had two friends my age and one more older and wiser than me, so this loss broke my heart into a million pieces to be bluntly honest. We talked on Facebook messenger everyday and she would always go on about how much she loved me and that I changed her life for the better. Sure, all of this doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it’s why I am shattered to pieces currently.
Okay, let’s get to what happened that awful day. It all started the night before when I was suffering with a severe depression episode and was in a ball crying and feeling like someone had stabbed me in the gut with a sword. Things have been a rather stressful inside my house and I suppose I had reached my breaking point that night. I had no one to turn to and my friend that I speak to almost everyday could not speak that night. In a desperate effort, knowing that she never picks up her cellphone, I called my friend with tears still fresh in my eyes. I heard her voice in the voice recording that I had always heard. In my frustration, I messaged her, “WHY DO YOU NEVER PICK UP”, and somehow found a way to fall asleep without doing anything stupid that night.
I woke up the next day to her telling me that she had to go to bed early and that she had a long yesterday and a long week ahead. Still numb from the night before, I did the unthinkable, and acted like a bitch and replied with, “whatever have a good week”. After a nap and feeling back to normal I immediately regretted what had happened and before I could apologize I noticed that we had a power surge and our internet was down. Once the internet was up and working again I saw that she had blocked me on messenger. Since that day my whole world has been spiraling out of control and I know longer have my “sister” to talk to daily. My first instinct was to punish myself beyond belief, luckily I stayed strong. After leaving many text messages and voice mails I managed to go all of yesterday without contacting her. I’m usually a person that tries to always be there for someone even if they are burning me out so perhaps this is why I can’t take what I did.
Word of the wise to anyone who may be reading this, if you find yourself in the same situation please reply when you are in your rational mind again. But they also say, if you can’t take me at my worse you don’t deserve me at my best.
Goodbye for now and peace and unicorn kisses,