“No Judgement Hang Out”

Hello everyone, I know it’s been a century since I have posted anything and I thought I’d discuss my very recent “date”, or “hang out” as he referred to it.  It’s almost 1 am in the morning and I am crying so deeply and feel as if someone threw daggers in my heart and soul for fun; so why not write again, right?  I’m going to be a bit lazy at the moment and not discuss my long online but not so much in real life relationship with this guy that auditions at the theatre I’m so desperately trying to get some sort of foot in the door.  Long story short we recently saw Rock of Ages at said theatre during his busy acting schedule and I have been freaking out over this friend date for about a month or more.  Onto the date itself!

Well it was a Saturday afternoon and I spent the whole day like a maniac talking to my friend on the phone hyperventilating and shivering as she took in all of my crazy.  Once the doorbell rang I hung up on her and nearly jumped out of my skin like a shedding snake.  I grabbed all of my things and hesitantly opened the door to see him in front of my door looking like a different but equally sexy person.  There was something else but as his friend I will keep that confidential although he certainly did not outside of my house.  So when I saw his truck (someone pay me for predicting this) it was very fragile looking and looked like it just rolled out of a tornado.  I’m not much for judgement and am a fan of things that have character, he even named it Harley Quinn so how could I hate it at all.  The drive to the theatre was very long and I was pretty certain I was barely touching my bum to the seat out of nervousness.  He kept saying it was a “no judgement hangout” (well that murdered any chances of it being a date) and spent the whole drive making funny noises and entertaining me.  This was certainly a side to him I actually never saw and I realized he’s more of a playful person than I gave him credit for.  But practically being in love with him already did not make it easy for me to enjoy the night to it’s fullest.  I almost took some Xanax before the date, but, NEVER DRUG YOURSELF BEFORE HANGING OUT WITH SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW.

Now, the destination, to the theatre to see Rock of Ages.  As we approached the theatre he continued to crack jokes about not recognizing the theatre (he’s been in so many shows he should be a member by now) and when we entered the building it was like it he was skipping his way into his home with everyone he knew.  That part also made me uncomfortable, and did I mention he saw the show already?!  Apparently he saw it in previews and gave me a, “what had happened was”, story about why he didn’t pay me back.  Basically, I could have seen the show with a friend and we could have done a movie and he just said yes to be nice.  Okay, bitch fit over!  During the show he continued to keep me entertained and sang to me and when the show wasn’t playing kept asking me what was on my mind but that damn anxiety kept blocking all thoughts from my mind.  At the end of the show he said hi to the entire company of the building while I was left to only say hi to my cousin and friend I auditioned with in the past.  Okay, let’s do a pros and cons list.

PROS:

He never stopped being a gentleman to me and met me at the door and kept opening the doors for me.

He has A LOT of energy and I judged him more than I should have in the past and he spent every moment asking me if I was okay.

He definitely made sure I enjoyed the musical and kept singing that beautiful voice at me during fleeting moments of the show.

He’s overall so different than I thought he was and hopefully he wasn’t acting the whole time (ha…..ha)

CONS:

He kept walking past me and not with me and a stranger would think we were completely total strangers.

He didn’t pay me back yet nor did he tell me he saw the show already when I asked if he wanted to see it with me.  Movies are cheaper!

He didn’t introduce me to any of his friends although some introduced themselves to me.

He said he was going to text me when he got home but never did.  I’ve been advised to never text him again until he messages me back because I never know if I’m someone else’s problem.  This has been so difficult for me personally, I miss talking to him.

 

Whether he messages me back or not I will be seeing his next play soon and hopefully will be getting my money back.  Despite having some feelings of him flashing back and forth I no longer have a crush on him and now see him as a friend.  I’m pretty tired currently so I have nothing witty to end on as usual.  I will be doing a rage filled entry soon about the actual show and white-washing in the (Southern) theatre community.

Hope this post helped you in some shape or form and that you or whoever is reading this is glad I am back and alive.

Your unicorn signing off and trotting in the distance xoxo,

Acting, Smacting

Hello everyone if anyone actually reads this thing!  It’s a pretty Saturday afternoon and the wind is blowing excitedly outside around my body,so naturally, I am having random panic attacks out of no where.  I decided I would listen to some music and write an entry in my blog I have been wanting to discuss since the night of last Monday.  I’m certain I brought this topic up before but just in case, I will first explain my complicated relationship with acting and theatre before I discuss what happened.  Okay, so this is the part where the sappy, “but I just want to dance!”, underdog portion of this story will begin.  I promise I will try to make this as dry and sap free as possible!  If that is even possible.

I don’t know how to write a short story so I will skip many portions of my life and try to get straight to the origin of this story so I can tell my other story.  As a child I had so much, let’s say awkward or alien like, energy about life and fitting in with everyone.  So much energy that I would scare people away from me and during middle school my friends asked me what happened and why I was now acting different.  Middle school for me was a very tough time and I felt as if I was a visitor on this foreign inhospitable planet, therefore, I shut myself down before I could develop any interest in acting which I was actually good at as a child.  Acting without anxiety, how was this ever a thing for little me?  A middle school child decides to stop talking completely and live inside herself, wonder how this will turn out?  Well, bad would be a pretty big understatement as I still have crippling anxiety at the age of 25 struggling to have a regular life.

*UPDATE*

Okay, so many things have happened since I began writing this draft, and I’m going to quickly sum up what happened and then add on to it with an update.  I will also write another entry about my fifth theatre audition and how that was a bit crippling and depressing but still a master class on learning the craft nonetheless.

I don’t even know if I want to go into detail about what happened anymore and just give the cliffnotes version of what happened that night.  I auditioned for a brilliant African-American play, written by the same playwrite who wrote the play that inspired the breathtaking film Moonlight, and received my first callback ever but didn’t get it.  When things were looking down I was offered a position in the crew but because of my driving phobia (especially downtown at night!) I was turned down for now although the director whom I’m on a first name basis with gave me the same mumbojumbo about being sorry I’m going through this and he will keep me in mind for the future.  The plan was, if my friend could do it she’d be my ride, unfortunately there was only one spot open and she inherited it when I could no longer complete the job.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m over the moon she got the position over some stranger she’s basically my sister, but we all know situations like this tend to cause one hell of a pity party.

Long story short, with the director’s blessings, I was able to attend the dress rehearsal while my friend did her magnificent work with the stage manager backstage.  Like auditioning, lessons, and seeing shows, this is also apart of my training to become a theatre actress.  As many situations go, this experience was surprisingly aided with intense anxiety and depression, it made no sense at all since I was simply watching a dress rehearsal whilst other people worked hard on their jobs.  To someone that doesn’t suffer from chronic anxiety this would have been a nice treat, but oh no, in my mind this became some sort of hellish nightmare.  I learned a lot and enjoyed the hell out of the show (and even more when I saw it with a friend when I paid to see it recently), but I was plagued with derealization and a feeling of other worldliness as the show went on.  Then just like that everything hit me like a bus and came raining hard down on me like a hail storm.  If I couldn’t even sit through a dress rehearsal without having severe anxiety how could I actually be in one?!  Not to mention this always happens at night and nighttime is when my anxiety is at its utmost worse that not even Xanax will make me drowsy.

Despite my parents not wanting me to continue the life of a starving artist and thinking I’m confused I will still walk the yellow brick road to my success in theatre.  As us SGI Buddhists often say, NEVER GIVE UP!

Hopefully my next post will be about my most recent musical audition and the feelings that I am currently still reeling from that night.

Hugs and kisses from your next to normal unicorn,

I Hate Rollercoasters

Image result for it's always sunny the beach

(Photo Credit: It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,  episode, The Gang Goes to The Jersey Shore) I know they weren’t actually on a roller-coaster during this scene but this exact moment reflects perfectly how I have been feeling. Ouch, I know!  Hello everyone, your sometimes functioning unicorn has returned!  The past few weeks, or months even, have been one hell of a roller-coaster and I’m in anticipation of when it will ever stop and I will be safe and calm again on the ground where I belong.  I’ve had a suicide scare, been constantly questioning whether or not I should commit myself to a hospital but afraid of how my parents will take it (I depend on them for important things and I do not want to break that trust), my anxiety-panic attacks-BPD episodes have decided to up the craziness and shake the cage of my already unstable emotions, been dealing with the horrifying ups and downs of my mom’s (best friend) recent diabetes diagnosis that is no longer comfortably calm, and I’ve been on new anti-psychotics that have been giving me crazy side effects when I NEED to be working now.

I know what you’re probably thinking after the first few words, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED”, at least that’s how my friends have been reacting, and my psychiatrist minus the curse word.  Let’s just say it was another west indie parent lecture gone too far that ended in me walking up the stairs with tears painted all over my face to my room like a zombie falling a part from each step.  So not to trigger anyone or relive that painful night I will not go into detail of what happened once I reached the comforting darkness of my room.  Long story short, my cousin threatening to call 911 and have me promise I will not do anything probably saved my life, and I just closed my eyes until I fell asleep.  It’s remarkable how therapeutic closing my eyes and falling into a slumber was.  If I was unconscious I couldn’t do anything at all.  Now, before I move on from this subject, I would like to take the time to address ANYONE who feels suicidal or hopeless at all in this very moment.  PLEASE go to the hospital or call 911 (or the emergency number of your country)immediately.  Reaching out to people that you know will help is also an option as I did or if going to the ER is not an option (it should be your FIRST choice regardless you matter and your health is very important) find a safe-place in a friend or family member that you can stay at for a little while as the irrationality clears from your mind.  And lastly, suicide hotlines exist for a reason and SHOULD be considered during times of crisis.  Here is a link to every suicide hotline in every country:

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

Okay, now that the very serious issues have been addressed, I will discuss less scary topics. Because I live in America, where you lose your parent’s health insurance once you turn 26, my parents have been putting the pressure on me as my summer birthday is looming eerily soon.  Yes, this is a bit of a first world problem rant and things could be worse, but I’m just discussing what’s happening to me at the current moment and how this is correlated to my anxiety and mental illnesses.  From the instance I was birthed into this world the idea of having ANY job, let alone full-time, felt about as possible as a flying ostrich.  Sure, I have overcome a great deal of accomplishments I never thought I would make it through, college on campus and commuting from home, getting my driver’s licence and driving to and from school, studying abroad in another country, and the list goes on.  Unfortunately, my anxiety and depression has been with me throughout all of these other worldly accomplishments.  Eventually, I was put on a cocktail of psychiatric drugs, and now having health insurance means more than everything to me now.  Not to mention the list of my cocktail keeps being shaken repetitively like a nest of hornets buzzing aggressively with unstable emotions.

I am so very close to walking inside the nearest hospital and committing myself so I can have a break for myself and get my current emotions and panic attacks sorted out like when I did outpatient therapy.  I have been thinking about those times lately and regret the at sometimes uncomfortable but ultimately comfortable feeling of being in group therapy, having my own therapist, being able to get my vitals just like that, having my own psychiatrist who actually knew what they were doing, a group of friends that never judged me because it was like talking to myself in a mirror, and the therapeutic activities they had for us.  I suppose this is the true definition of you don’t know what you had until it is gone.  My biggest fear with committing myself is wasting my parents’ money and wasting the time I have until my birthday when I should be looking for a full-time job I may never be able to weather without a few panic attacks or two.  Being a substitute teacher with a “part-time” job has been stressful enough on my anxiety and depression.

I am certain this is a huge problem for many people, no matter the age, and I want to let every single one of you that you are NOT alone and we can all get through this together, I promise.  To quote Les Miserables, “even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise!”

Love your caring Unicorn xoxo,

A Pathetic Rant On My Lack of Love Life?

Hello everyone, again, sorry about my lack of writing and consistency!  I mean I DO suffer from depression and constant anxiety and attacks that weigh down on me like a ton of bricks.  However, I want this blog to be therapeutic for anyone viewing with similar issues and for myself as well.  So I do apologize for being absent for a while and, like a broken record, I do intend on updating this thing I created more often.  Okay, enough with the rambling of words that is this introduction and onto the depressing rambling of words that is the topic of this blog!

Before today I had planned on writing about something else that I very well may still cover but talking to my friends who were out together without me on the phone gave my brain something new to torture me about.  They actually might read this one day since they both know the address to this blog; no hard feelings girls, I still love you both!  So a little bit more information about myself, I am an SGI Buddhist (google it until I decide to write a post about it) and go to many meetings to chant with my Buddhist family and hear encouraging words and personal “success stories” if you will.  Today I decided not to go to a meeting this morning because I am currently in the process of re-tuning my inner clock and correcting my bad sleep habits so I can go to bed early and wake up early again.  It may sound like a weak excuse but I have a mess of sleep problems that kind of scare me sometimes and are along the lines of the film, Inception, bizarre.  Am I getting off topic? Yes!  Alright, let’s continue the Buddhist meeting setup, I promise this all has a point and is leading to something.

Continuing with our unpleasant story, when I woke up from my baby nap I took after my dog ate breakfast my friend began texting me and asking if her and my other friend could come over, and standing in my unicorn onesie  while helping my parents put away the groceries I told her,”no”, and asked one of them to call me so I could better communicate with them.  I’m about to make this an extremely long entry aren’t I?  Okay, I’ll just get right to the point!  Last week during a birthday dinner I found out that one of my friends has a new boyfriend and I met him that day and now my other friend has a boyfriend.  It’s even more random that my other friend has a boyfriend but out of respect for her I will say no more.  Also, on top of that they were having lunch together after the Buddhist meeting and I was suddenly filled with guilt for not going to the meeting and mad at myself for missing a chance to hang out with friends like a regular person again, and also felt like nothing that despite actually trying,again, I was still this single this 25 year old that never had a boyfriend or even a guy as a friend (technically the last part is now an over-exaggeration).  Basically, I was letting my anxiety beat the shit out of me without even trying to fight back.

In all my 25 years of life I’ve only attempted to befriend a guy I liked twice, once when I studied abroad in Germany in 2014 and very recently this year, and both were failures that initially drained me of my confidence in my personality and looks almost completely.  While in high school and my first two years of University I was constantly hit on by guys left and right but I was too naive and had a touch of selective-mutism to understand how to react or what was actually going on (not to mention the race I was most attracted to at the time would look right through me).  Of course the fact I stopped chemically straightening my hair in my 3rd year of college and am now growing dreadlocks, Bob Marley-style, probably has something to do with the change in my suitors or lack there of.

I’ve completely gotten turned around while writing this entry and am now confused as to the point I was getting to in the first place.  Ooh, I remember, FRUSTRATION!  I suppose I’m what you would call a hopeless romantic and am always writing these whimsically romantic/erotic tragic (yes, I love Shakespeare) stories unaware that it’s not actually how the real world works.  I learned this the painful way when I spent my last college semester in Germany and gained a social life and friends for the first time in my life.  Perhaps this is why I can never stomach shows like, GIRLS, and others like it that are too life like with way too many sex scenes for something that is not a pornography.  If you are a fan of such shows, no offense, they can just be too much for me.  Aside from it being hard for me to talk to any kind of male I also consider myself an asexual to demisexual panromantic.  Confusing, isn’t it? My mom and many people I open up to about this also find this confusing and swear I’m making up words or that I created some of these categories, but I can confidently say they are apart of the LGBTQA+ community.  Basically, I’m only romantically attracted to people but once I get to know them I am very capable of developing sexual attraction to them.  However, as far as I’m concerned, sex for me personally is just for procreation and I rather go see a musical if I want to “feel something”.

If you are somehow still with me and reading this, congratulations, you are stronger than I am!  I don’t blame you if you skimmed through most of this because if I saw all of this writing I would too.  So let’s get back to the word, frustration.  The older I get and the more high school “friends” I see give birth to children the more upset and afraid I get that I may never find my “soulmate” and have a child if I even can have one.  I have names picked out and everything, the only problem is who the father of the child will be.  Very recently, I came the closest I ever had to just getting my first kiss and maybe some other firsts as well.  I picked out a guy I did a musical audition with once and personally challenged myself to ask him if I could add him on Facebook and I turned into a really good flirt whenever I messaged him.  Sure, it all sounds like I was close to getting somewhere, but after I saw him in the musical I didn’t get I suddenly had resting bitch face and could only repeat the mantra of, “hi, you were great”, whilst he kept hugging me and asking if I looked pissed off.  Ooh, how romantic!

I didn’t give up though, even if I desperately needed to.  Again, I met him after seeing him in, Rocky Horror Show (another show I didn’t get) on Halloween, dressed sexy with a Purple wig on and my entire leg showing.  We hugged like before, using it as a secret joke between the two of us, and he kept looking at me and calling me beautiful and while holding in my excitement puke I complemented him on his work as Rocky and told him we should hang out sometime; he agreed!  Everything looked like I was about to go on my first date and he even agreed on going to have coffee with but it was too perfect.  To my luck, I met someone who knows him and his ex girlfriend at a Buddhist meeting and found out what I wanted to, the plain not skipping around it truth.  Once I left and was no longer around people she messaged me she asked his ex girlfriend’s mom if he was single and she said her mom told her he was seeing someone and messaged me, “abort mission, ABORT.”  My first reaction was that I wasted almost an entire year on one person and how the hell was I going to stop being sexually attracted to him?  After some thought I became relieved that I no longer had to try to flirt with him and although I still have a crush on him it’s much more fun talking to him as a friend and he’s good to talk to about theatre/audition advice.  After all of this at least I can say I was able to get a hot guy to hug me without trying and to check me out with a lot of trying.

I’m still not sure what the purpose of this post was but I feel really great after typing out all of my feelings and seeing a year’s worth of stress and worry fly completely out of me and onto my monitor.  I guess if I had to say what I wanted in a guy in three words I would say, “Prince Rogers Nelson”, and this guy sure as hell was NO Prince.  I suppose for now I will keep chanting on finding my Prince (see what I did there?) and just focus on my life and being happy when my brain allows me to.  If you somehow read all of this then a massive HIGH-FIVE for you!  Sorry I couldn’t give you a prize of something more useful.  Well, that’s enough typing for today I believe!

Sincerely your Unicorn Amber,

Addressing the Elephant in the Room

Whether you’re from the United States of America, or any other country in this world, it’s no secret why many of my friends and acquaintances who live in this country or any others flooded the social media websites with nothing but disgust, fear, anxiety, and sorrow.  I am not going to discuss politics or my opinion on the newly elected President of the United States, I am here to be there for anyone that is having great anxiety and depression due to this latest update in U.S. history.  The first thing I noticed when I logged onto all of my social media accounts was; hate, hate, hate, hate, and nothing but hate and anger.  I understand that can be one’s first reaction when it’s not the outcome you want and no longer feel safe.  However, as a country, we must stay strong and be there for each other and keep up the support.  So, to anyone is feeling very down today, please try to stay calm and have faith in whichever deity you believe in and the universe itself and the natural karma that comes from it.  I love you all and stay strong!

http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Love and unicorn kisses, Amber,

Not My Name, A Poem

Hello, everyone, or just one, or my imaginary friend, Amethyst!  So blogging is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  A lot of this has to do with my lack of energy and estranged relationship with electronics.  I’ve had so many thoughts swarming in my head lately so I thought I would give this mental illness blog thing another chance!  I thought I would start off with sharing a poem I wrote recently during times of deep sorrow.  I hope some of you beautiful people can find some connection with this piece…so here goes!

Not My Name

by: Amber V.

I am not quiet

I am not white

Don’t believe what you see with your sight

The clouds are not pillows and the sky is not an ocean

So why judge me on such a weak notion?

Do you believe in rudeness?

Do you believe in crudeness?

You must believe from the way you perceive

From where I’m standing I see someone weak with scare

So how could you know me?

How could you even dare?

Hope you felt something from it, whatever that something may be.

Amber xoxo,

Dedication To My Grandpa

Hello everyone!  Sorry I’ve been M.I.A., I sort of forgot that in order to have a blog you need to keep writing entries.  As I will write about soon in my next post, I’ve been dealing with the unexpected death of my beloved grandfather since he moved on from the physical world last Saturday.  Before I write my next updates about my trip to New York, meeting family for the first time, and the bittersweet day of the funeral, I wanted to write a post about my grandpa and how much he meant to me.  He was the best grandpa a girl could ever have asked for and it is important to me that I let many people know about him as possible!

Aside from Borderline Personality Disorder, I also suffer from severe Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety Disorder.  These other two disorders have seemed to always haunt me ever since I was born.  S.A.D. was a major problem for me in particular as I’ve went most of my life being  called “quiet” and “shy”.  The parts that I hate the most about my anxiety is that I tend to suffer from selective mutism at moments and especially when I’m around men or anyone of the opposite sex.  This is so severe that I worry if I ever have a son I will not be able to talk to him and thanks to medication and perseverance was only able to tell my grandpa, sincerely, that I love him in April when I last saw him.  This is probably why I took his death so hard and didn’t want to say goodbye to him when I finally saw his body.  I am just so grateful for my sister who allowed me to see my grandpa one last time and that my last words to him were, “I love you grandpa”, in which he replied, “I love you too Amber! I wish I could take you to New York with me!”.  These were great last words but I wish I could have been more of myself around my grandpa throughout his life like my brother and sister were able to.  Everyone keeps telling me to remember the good times but all of my memories of him I couldn’t be myself and talk to him while he was trying so hard to bond with his granddaughter.  Are those good times?  Anyways, onto my grandfather and how amazing he was and how much he meant to me!

Although this is a personal blog that I allow to be available to the public I will keep my grandfather’s name private.  Okay, now about the incredible person that my grandpa was!  My grandpa was the kind of person that you would think popped out of this incredible book,he was a mythic legend when it came to our family.  There was something about my grandfather that always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside and I would always stare at him with intrigue and fascination.  Despite being born in New York and spending most of his life there he grew up in the West Indies in South America.  He was always filled with these out of this world stories about the places he visited as a child and as an adult with his soulmate, my dear beloved grandmother.  My grandpa was so passionate and kind to everyone and there was just something about his voice and the way that he spoke that filled me with joy every single time I was around him.  One of the things I loved most about my grandpa was his great love for film (old Hollywood and new), coin collection, traveling, jazz, and this beautiful world in general.  As a child I always admired the way he would listen to music and drum his fingers along to the beat as if music was taking him to another world entirely.

I think I’ve spent enough time on this post and if I keep going on I might start to become emotional again.  Sorry it took me forever to get this new post updated, there have been many distractions lately since I started this.  Well, the words didn’t come out the way I wanted them to but I guess they never do.  Goodbye Grandpa, I love you so very very much and hope to see you again in another form.

Love Amber,