Hello everyone if anyone actually reads this thing! It’s a pretty Saturday afternoon and the wind is blowing excitedly outside around my body,so naturally, I am having random panic attacks out of no where. I decided I would listen to some music and write an entry in my blog I have been wanting to discuss since the night of last Monday. I’m certain I brought this topic up before but just in case, I will first explain my complicated relationship with acting and theatre before I discuss what happened. Okay, so this is the part where the sappy, “but I just want to dance!”, underdog portion of this story will begin. I promise I will try to make this as dry and sap free as possible! If that is even possible.
I don’t know how to write a short story so I will skip many portions of my life and try to get straight to the origin of this story so I can tell my other story. As a child I had so much, let’s say awkward or alien like, energy about life and fitting in with everyone. So much energy that I would scare people away from me and during middle school my friends asked me what happened and why I was now acting different. Middle school for me was a very tough time and I felt as if I was a visitor on this foreign inhospitable planet, therefore, I shut myself down before I could develop any interest in acting which I was actually good at as a child. Acting without anxiety, how was this ever a thing for little me? A middle school child decides to stop talking completely and live inside herself, wonder how this will turn out? Well, bad would be a pretty big understatement as I still have crippling anxiety at the age of 25 struggling to have a regular life.
Okay, so many things have happened since I began writing this draft, and I’m going to quickly sum up what happened and then add on to it with an update. I will also write another entry about my fifth theatre audition and how that was a bit crippling and depressing but still a master class on learning the craft nonetheless.
I don’t even know if I want to go into detail about what happened anymore and just give the cliffnotes version of what happened that night. I auditioned for a brilliant African-American play, written by the same playwrite who wrote the play that inspired the breathtaking film Moonlight, and received my first callback ever but didn’t get it. When things were looking down I was offered a position in the crew but because of my driving phobia (especially downtown at night!) I was turned down for now although the director whom I’m on a first name basis with gave me the same mumbojumbo about being sorry I’m going through this and he will keep me in mind for the future. The plan was, if my friend could do it she’d be my ride, unfortunately there was only one spot open and she inherited it when I could no longer complete the job. Don’t get me wrong, I’m over the moon she got the position over some stranger she’s basically my sister, but we all know situations like this tend to cause one hell of a pity party.
Long story short, with the director’s blessings, I was able to attend the dress rehearsal while my friend did her magnificent work with the stage manager backstage. Like auditioning, lessons, and seeing shows, this is also apart of my training to become a theatre actress. As many situations go, this experience was surprisingly aided with intense anxiety and depression, it made no sense at all since I was simply watching a dress rehearsal whilst other people worked hard on their jobs. To someone that doesn’t suffer from chronic anxiety this would have been a nice treat, but oh no, in my mind this became some sort of hellish nightmare. I learned a lot and enjoyed the hell out of the show (and even more when I saw it with a friend when I paid to see it recently), but I was plagued with derealization and a feeling of other worldliness as the show went on. Then just like that everything hit me like a bus and came raining hard down on me like a hail storm. If I couldn’t even sit through a dress rehearsal without having severe anxiety how could I actually be in one?! Not to mention this always happens at night and nighttime is when my anxiety is at its utmost worse that not even Xanax will make me drowsy.
Despite my parents not wanting me to continue the life of a starving artist and thinking I’m confused I will still walk the yellow brick road to my success in theatre. As us SGI Buddhists often say, NEVER GIVE UP!
Hopefully my next post will be about my most recent musical audition and the feelings that I am currently still reeling from that night.
Hugs and kisses from your next to normal unicorn,