Hello everyone, again, sorry about my lack of writing and consistency! I mean I DO suffer from depression and constant anxiety and attacks that weigh down on me like a ton of bricks. However, I want this blog to be therapeutic for anyone viewing with similar issues and for myself as well. So I do apologize for being absent for a while and, like a broken record, I do intend on updating this thing I created more often. Okay, enough with the rambling of words that is this introduction and onto the depressing rambling of words that is the topic of this blog!
Before today I had planned on writing about something else that I very well may still cover but talking to my friends who were out together without me on the phone gave my brain something new to torture me about. They actually might read this one day since they both know the address to this blog; no hard feelings girls, I still love you both! So a little bit more information about myself, I am an SGI Buddhist (google it until I decide to write a post about it) and go to many meetings to chant with my Buddhist family and hear encouraging words and personal “success stories” if you will. Today I decided not to go to a meeting this morning because I am currently in the process of re-tuning my inner clock and correcting my bad sleep habits so I can go to bed early and wake up early again. It may sound like a weak excuse but I have a mess of sleep problems that kind of scare me sometimes and are along the lines of the film, Inception, bizarre. Am I getting off topic? Yes! Alright, let’s continue the Buddhist meeting setup, I promise this all has a point and is leading to something.
Continuing with our unpleasant story, when I woke up from my baby nap I took after my dog ate breakfast my friend began texting me and asking if her and my other friend could come over, and standing in my unicorn onesie while helping my parents put away the groceries I told her,”no”, and asked one of them to call me so I could better communicate with them. I’m about to make this an extremely long entry aren’t I? Okay, I’ll just get right to the point! Last week during a birthday dinner I found out that one of my friends has a new boyfriend and I met him that day and now my other friend has a boyfriend. It’s even more random that my other friend has a boyfriend but out of respect for her I will say no more. Also, on top of that they were having lunch together after the Buddhist meeting and I was suddenly filled with guilt for not going to the meeting and mad at myself for missing a chance to hang out with friends like a regular person again, and also felt like nothing that despite actually trying,again, I was still this single this 25 year old that never had a boyfriend or even a guy as a friend (technically the last part is now an over-exaggeration). Basically, I was letting my anxiety beat the shit out of me without even trying to fight back.
In all my 25 years of life I’ve only attempted to befriend a guy I liked twice, once when I studied abroad in Germany in 2014 and very recently this year, and both were failures that initially drained me of my confidence in my personality and looks almost completely. While in high school and my first two years of University I was constantly hit on by guys left and right but I was too naive and had a touch of selective-mutism to understand how to react or what was actually going on (not to mention the race I was most attracted to at the time would look right through me). Of course the fact I stopped chemically straightening my hair in my 3rd year of college and am now growing dreadlocks, Bob Marley-style, probably has something to do with the change in my suitors or lack there of.
I’ve completely gotten turned around while writing this entry and am now confused as to the point I was getting to in the first place. Ooh, I remember, FRUSTRATION! I suppose I’m what you would call a hopeless romantic and am always writing these whimsically romantic/erotic tragic (yes, I love Shakespeare) stories unaware that it’s not actually how the real world works. I learned this the painful way when I spent my last college semester in Germany and gained a social life and friends for the first time in my life. Perhaps this is why I can never stomach shows like, GIRLS, and others like it that are too life like with way too many sex scenes for something that is not a pornography. If you are a fan of such shows, no offense, they can just be too much for me. Aside from it being hard for me to talk to any kind of male I also consider myself an asexual to demisexual panromantic. Confusing, isn’t it? My mom and many people I open up to about this also find this confusing and swear I’m making up words or that I created some of these categories, but I can confidently say they are apart of the LGBTQA+ community. Basically, I’m only romantically attracted to people but once I get to know them I am very capable of developing sexual attraction to them. However, as far as I’m concerned, sex for me personally is just for procreation and I rather go see a musical if I want to “feel something”.
If you are somehow still with me and reading this, congratulations, you are stronger than I am! I don’t blame you if you skimmed through most of this because if I saw all of this writing I would too. So let’s get back to the word, frustration. The older I get and the more high school “friends” I see give birth to children the more upset and afraid I get that I may never find my “soulmate” and have a child if I even can have one. I have names picked out and everything, the only problem is who the father of the child will be. Very recently, I came the closest I ever had to just getting my first kiss and maybe some other firsts as well. I picked out a guy I did a musical audition with once and personally challenged myself to ask him if I could add him on Facebook and I turned into a really good flirt whenever I messaged him. Sure, it all sounds like I was close to getting somewhere, but after I saw him in the musical I didn’t get I suddenly had resting bitch face and could only repeat the mantra of, “hi, you were great”, whilst he kept hugging me and asking if I looked pissed off. Ooh, how romantic!
I didn’t give up though, even if I desperately needed to. Again, I met him after seeing him in, Rocky Horror Show (another show I didn’t get) on Halloween, dressed sexy with a Purple wig on and my entire leg showing. We hugged like before, using it as a secret joke between the two of us, and he kept looking at me and calling me beautiful and while holding in my excitement puke I complemented him on his work as Rocky and told him we should hang out sometime; he agreed! Everything looked like I was about to go on my first date and he even agreed on going to have coffee with but it was too perfect. To my luck, I met someone who knows him and his ex girlfriend at a Buddhist meeting and found out what I wanted to, the plain not skipping around it truth. Once I left and was no longer around people she messaged me she asked his ex girlfriend’s mom if he was single and she said her mom told her he was seeing someone and messaged me, “abort mission, ABORT.” My first reaction was that I wasted almost an entire year on one person and how the hell was I going to stop being sexually attracted to him? After some thought I became relieved that I no longer had to try to flirt with him and although I still have a crush on him it’s much more fun talking to him as a friend and he’s good to talk to about theatre/audition advice. After all of this at least I can say I was able to get a hot guy to hug me without trying and to check me out with a lot of trying.
I’m still not sure what the purpose of this post was but I feel really great after typing out all of my feelings and seeing a year’s worth of stress and worry fly completely out of me and onto my monitor. I guess if I had to say what I wanted in a guy in three words I would say, “Prince Rogers Nelson”, and this guy sure as hell was NO Prince. I suppose for now I will keep chanting on finding my Prince (see what I did there?) and just focus on my life and being happy when my brain allows me to. If you somehow read all of this then a massive HIGH-FIVE for you! Sorry I couldn’t give you a prize of something more useful. Well, that’s enough typing for today I believe!
Sincerely your Unicorn Amber,