Archive | September 2016

Dedication To My Grandpa

Hello everyone!  Sorry I’ve been M.I.A., I sort of forgot that in order to have a blog you need to keep writing entries.  As I will write about soon in my next post, I’ve been dealing with the unexpected death of my beloved grandfather since he moved on from the physical world last Saturday.  Before I write my next updates about my trip to New York, meeting family for the first time, and the bittersweet day of the funeral, I wanted to write a post about my grandpa and how much he meant to me.  He was the best grandpa a girl could ever have asked for and it is important to me that I let many people know about him as possible!

Aside from Borderline Personality Disorder, I also suffer from severe Generalized Anxiety and Social Anxiety Disorder.  These other two disorders have seemed to always haunt me ever since I was born.  S.A.D. was a major problem for me in particular as I’ve went most of my life being  called “quiet” and “shy”.  The parts that I hate the most about my anxiety is that I tend to suffer from selective mutism at moments and especially when I’m around men or anyone of the opposite sex.  This is so severe that I worry if I ever have a son I will not be able to talk to him and thanks to medication and perseverance was only able to tell my grandpa, sincerely, that I love him in April when I last saw him.  This is probably why I took his death so hard and didn’t want to say goodbye to him when I finally saw his body.  I am just so grateful for my sister who allowed me to see my grandpa one last time and that my last words to him were, “I love you grandpa”, in which he replied, “I love you too Amber! I wish I could take you to New York with me!”.  These were great last words but I wish I could have been more of myself around my grandpa throughout his life like my brother and sister were able to.  Everyone keeps telling me to remember the good times but all of my memories of him I couldn’t be myself and talk to him while he was trying so hard to bond with his granddaughter.  Are those good times?  Anyways, onto my grandfather and how amazing he was and how much he meant to me!

Although this is a personal blog that I allow to be available to the public I will keep my grandfather’s name private.  Okay, now about the incredible person that my grandpa was!  My grandpa was the kind of person that you would think popped out of this incredible book,he was a mythic legend when it came to our family.  There was something about my grandfather that always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside and I would always stare at him with intrigue and fascination.  Despite being born in New York and spending most of his life there he grew up in the West Indies in South America.  He was always filled with these out of this world stories about the places he visited as a child and as an adult with his soulmate, my dear beloved grandmother.  My grandpa was so passionate and kind to everyone and there was just something about his voice and the way that he spoke that filled me with joy every single time I was around him.  One of the things I loved most about my grandpa was his great love for film (old Hollywood and new), coin collection, traveling, jazz, and this beautiful world in general.  As a child I always admired the way he would listen to music and drum his fingers along to the beat as if music was taking him to another world entirely.

I think I’ve spent enough time on this post and if I keep going on I might start to become emotional again.  Sorry it took me forever to get this new post updated, there have been many distractions lately since I started this.  Well, the words didn’t come out the way I wanted them to but I guess they never do.  Goodbye Grandpa, I love you so very very much and hope to see you again in another form.

Love Amber,